Satire

U.S.—Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has come under attack for hypocrisy. One common line of attack is that while he claims to be a socialist and always looking out for the interest of the working man, Sander is constantly seen wearing a top hat and monocle while carrying around canvas sacks with dollar signs on them. […]

RANCHO CORDOVA, CA—Students at Harvey Milk High School are taking advantage of a new policy that forces teachers to recognize their “grade identity” rather than the actual, objective score they’ve earned in the class so far. https://babylonbee.com/news/school-forces-teacher-to-respect-failing-students-preferred-grade-of-a/

UK—Have you ever tried to imagine living in a perfect world ruled by communism, but previously only received the information from catchy folk songs which praise the system? Well, lucky for you, it is now easier than ever to understand what a full-blown communist utopia actually looks like. https://babylonbee.com/news/classic-john-lennon-lyric-adjusted-to-imagine-all-the-dead-people-to-give-a-better-perspective-of-communism/

U.S.—Democrats are known for pushing the envelope when it comes to their presidential nominations. They are always trying to bring American politics into a new era, breaking the mold with black nominees, female nominees, and also Al Gore. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-explore-whether-america-is-ready-for-a-rich-white-president/

LAS VEGAS, NV—Bernie Sanders took criticism for owning three houses at last night’s Democratic debate. He defended himself eloquently, using the argument that “basically everyone who’s not a dumb, poor person has three houses” and that “having three houses is fun and convenient.” https://babylonbee.com/news/to-deflect-criticism-from-his-three-houses-sanders-buys-a-fourth/

RENO, NV—Bernie Sanders supporters were shocked today when they saw him hobble into a campaign event looking quite battered and covered in one hundred dollar bills. Sanders claims this was the result of an attack by a group of billionaires. https://babylonbee.com/news/disheveled-and-covered-in-100-bills-bernie-sanders-claims-he-was-attacked-by-a-group-of-billionaires/

BUENA PARK, CA—A “bigoted” McDonald’s drive-thru worker has been fired after asking a customer if their Happy Meal was for a boy or a girl. https://babylonbee.com/news/bigoted-mcdonalds-employee-fired-for-asking-if-happy-meal-toy-is-for-boy-or-girl/

MARTHA’S VINEYARD, MA—While lounging about in his seaside mansion Tuesday, former President Barack Obama was asked whether he supported Joe Biden in the 2020 election. https://babylonbee.com/news/barack-obama-i-have-no-memory-of-anyone-named-joe-biden/

ISRAEL—Many have argued that Jesus is a socialist, and some newly discovered scrolls have added evidence to that claim. The scrolls have new passages giving extra context to Jesus’s feeding of the 5,000, explaining that he did that by sending his apostles to rob a nearby village. https://babylonbee.com/news/more-evidence-jesus-was-a-socialist-new-passages-say-jesus-fed-the-5000-by-robbing-a-nearby-village/

U.S.—The campaign trail is reportedly taking a toll on Bernie Sanders. The main thing that seems to be wearing him out is the extremely foreign concept of having to convince people to voluntarily hand over money. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-frustrated-with-having-to-ask-for-money-instead-of-just-taking-it/

HARTFORD, CT—Local high school track runner Vanessa Vogel was excited for her track meet this past weekend, having trained many months for her shot at a record and possibly a college scholarship. https://babylonbee.com/news/high-school-runner-not-feeling-great-about-her-chances-against-the-girl-with-a-beard/

U.S.—Addressing a crowd earlier this week, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez declared that Joseph Stalin was actually a conservative or at least a center-right kind of guy. https://babylonbee.com/news/aoc-stalin-was-center-right/

WASHINGTON, DC—After suffering defeat in their bid to impeach President Trump, Democrats in Washington are making the claim that real impeachment has never been tried. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-claim-real-impeachment-has-never-been-tried/

MANCHESTER, NH—While campaigning in New Hampshire, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was very confused when he saw the phrase “Live Free or Die” on a license plate. “What is that?” he demanded. When someone explained it was the state motto, he was even more confounded. “Both those options sound horrible!” he exclaimed. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-confused-by-new-hampshire-state-motto-live-free-or-die–both-of-those-options-sound-horrible/

U.S.—The climate crisis has been getting worse, despite liberal elites’ best efforts to fly all over the country in their private jets lecturing everybody about it. There seemed to be no end in sight until a new tech startup, Hypocri-Fuel, introduced a private jet that runs on liberal hypocrisy. “We just hook this bad boy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Washington has a long history of using empty chairs to make political statements, from “empty-chairing” politicians who don’t show up to hearings to leaving chairs empty to protest gun violence. https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-leave-chair-empty-at-state-of-the-union-to-honor-fallen-hero-soleimani/

IOWA—The Democratic primaries have broken down into chaos after the party encountered its archnemesis head-on for the first time: basic math. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-in-chaos-after-primaries-require-basic-math/

PORTLAND, OR—The CDC has announced a full quarantine of Portland to prevent the spread of a dangerous virus known as communism. https://babylonbee.com/news/breaking-health-officials-quarantine-portland-to-prevent-spread-of-communism/

WORLD–Sunday will mark 30 days since America defeated Iran in World War III, the shortest war in history. President Trump, now seen as the greatest world leader of all time, needed only 45 seconds to declare his victory. https://babylonbee.com/news/remembering-world-war-iii-30-days-later/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic leaders in the House called on their Republican colleagues in the Senate to run a fair and thorough impeachment trial instead of a farce as they did when they held impeachment hearings. “We demand Republicans take this seriously and not make this into a circus as we did,” Pelosi said sternly. “I would