Satire

There’s a common right-wing whine these days about this imagined thing called “Cancel Culture.” Supposedly some people are getting mobbed and pushed out of society—“canceled” as they call it. This is nonsense. Can you name anyone who has been canceled? You can’t. Because it’s made up. Sure you can name a few people who lost […]

SACRAMENTO, CA—California legislators have recently proposed a bill forcing department store owners to only sell toys that actively set out to confuse children on their sexuality and gender. The law will ensure no more anti-science “boy aisles” or “girl aisles” like the ones used in deplorable states. Now shoppers can search the entire store before

U.S.— In the wake of several primary and caucus wins, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has been spotted at various campaign stops testing out different mustache styles in preparation for his inevitable reign as the next great totalitarian dictator. https://babylonbee.com/news/sanders-tests-out-new-mustache-styles-in-preparation-to-become-next-icon-of-totalitarianism/

More high-satire by the Bee! SAINT PAUL, MN—This year’s Democratic primary campaign has been filled with gaffes by the candidates, but Monday may have brought the worst one of all, as Democratic socialist Bernie Sanders tried to quote the Communist Manifesto and forgot the words. During a campaign rally in Saint Paul, Sanders attempted to

U.S.—One of the dreams of every conservative is owning libs, but a new report says that this dream has become unobtainable for many. That’s because of the vast inequality in lib ownership where an elite top 1% of conservatives own 50% of all libs. https://babylonbee.com/news/inequality-top-1-of-conservatives-own-50-of-libs/

NEW YORK, NY—Reliable reporter and decorated Iraq war veteran Brian Williams has been tapped to host a new game show on MSNBC: Are You Smarter than a Journalist? Contestants will be put up against our nation’s elite journalists with questions like “Is $500 million enough for everyone to get $1 million?” and “How many genders

https://babylonbee.com/news/virus-that-has-killed-many-people-overseas-now-spreading-in-the-us/

NORTH HERO, VT—After another long few weeks out on the campaign trail, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders finally got a few minutes to take a break at one of his three homes. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-takes-few-minutes-to-refresh-himself-by-admiring-portraits-of-favorite-dictators/

I’m not sure this is satire.  MOSCOW—The Russians were excited once again for a U.S. presidential election in which they could interfere to sow division and discord, but their excitement soon turned to dismay when they found an election already too chaotic for them to follow. https://babylonbee.com/news/russians-decide-election-too-chaotic-for-them-to-successfully-interfere/

NEW DELHI—Trump continues to impress the people of India, having just saved a woman from a sniper’s bullet targeting the exact center of her forehead. https://babylonbee.com/news/heroic-trump-saves-indian-woman-from-snipers-bullet-aimed-directly-at-her-forehead/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Democratic Party has adopted seven progressive virtues as an official part of its platform: envy, greed, pride, lust, outrage, sloth, and gluten-free gluttony. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-publish-list-of-progressive-virtues/

This will make sense if you’ve been following the news (Biden says over 150 million Americans killed by Gun Violence since 2007, which would be Half of U.S. Population).  And Snopes will not verify it as false!  ? CHARLESTON, SC—Joe Biden made the incredible claim at last night’s debate that he is the last remaining survivor

BERLIN—At a special campaign appearance abroad in Berlin, Bernie made waves with an ambitious new campaign promise to rebuild the Berlin Wall. “We are opposed to some aspects of the Berlin Wall, but, you know, it’s simply unfair to say everything was bad,” Sanders said before a screaming throng of Bernie bros. “Barbed wire and

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning that foreign countries are trying to help other Democratic candidates’ campaigns, Joe Biden issued an open call for any foreign country to help him out a bit. https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-wishes-some-country-any-country-would-try-to-influence-election-for-him/

NEW YORK, NY—Things were not looking good for Harvey Weinstein as a judge found him guilty of rape and sexual assault Monday. But thinking quickly, Weinstein asserted that he was simply living his own truth, and he was let off scot-free. “I was simply being true to myself, and my self happens to be a

PORTLAND, OR—Local man Trevor J. Gavyn pleaded with his conservative coworker to “believe the science on climate change,” though he himself does not believe the science on the number of genders there are, the fact that unborn babies are fully human, and that socialism has failed every time it has been tried. https://babylonbee.com/news/the-science-on-climate-change-is-settled-says-man-who-does-not-believe-the-science-on-gender-unborn-babies-economics/

U.S.—After Bernie Sanders praised elements of Cuba’s totalitarian regime, the presidential candidate’s loyal supporters scrambled to cobble together makeshift rafts so they could paddle over to Cuba to experience the Communist island’s renowned literacy programs, medical care, and other social services. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-cobbles-together-makeshift-raft-to-sail-over-and-experience-cubas-world-class-medical-care/

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eyewitnesses were dazzled by the appearance today of a disc of bright white light near the city’s Riverside area. They were even more amazed when a thin figure in a flannel shirt emerged from the circle of light and began to speak. https://babylonbee.com/news/time-traveler-visits-from-americas-glorious-socialist-future-asks-for-food/

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—A newly available home in San Francisco has been listed for $1.5 million. The house is said to be a “spacious, open-concept turnkey home for the budget-minded.” https://babylonbee.com/news/soggy-cardboard-box-full-of-needles-sells-for-15-million-in-san-francisco-housing-market/