Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.
U.S.—Hope for figuring out which political party to blame for the novel coronavirus could be on the horizon, as professional task forces have been assembled across various public and private areas of expertise, and vigorous research is underway. https://babylonbee.com/news/professionals-work-tirelessly-to-discover-which-political-party-should-be-blamed-for-virus/
NEW YORK, NY—In a somber, heartfelt speech yesterday, Trump expressed his condolences toward Americans affected by the coronavirus outbreak. At one point, he seemed to go off-script, saying, “This whole thing is just horrible. I don’t want any Americans to die. We’re doing everything we can so people will not die. We are not saying you’re
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an Instagram video filmed from her posh D.C. apartment, socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called on all Americans to infect themselves with the Wuhan coronavirus to prove they are accepting of viruses and diseases of all colors and nationalities. https://babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-if-you-dont-infect-yourself-with-the-coronavirus-you-are-a-racist/
Ocasio-Cortez: ‘If You Don’t Infect Yourself With The Coronavirus, You Are A Racist’ Read More »
WASHINGTON D.C.—If Joe Biden wins the Democratic nomination, his running mate will be a woman, he said Sunday. He then promised that whoever he appointed as his VP he would stand behind them at all times. This statement quickly placed a small collection of women leaders in a position of sudden discomfort. https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-i-will-not-only-appoint-a-woman-running-mate-but-will-stand-behind-her-at-all-times/
ITALY—A new report has found that Italy is doing completely fine with no problems whatsoever thanks to its lauded universal healthcare system. As the coronavirus pandemic continues to sweep the world, countries are going on lockdown, but not Italy. Its universal healthcare program means that everybody is doing great, “incredible even.” “It seems that having
Italy Totally Fine Thanks To Universal Healthcare Read More »
U.S.—Many millennials haven’t been taking coronavirus seriously, continuing to go out to crowded concerts, theme parks, and doorknob licking conventions. https://babylonbee.com/news/millennials-finally-taking-coronavirus-seriously-as-avocado-toast-supplies-run-out/
Millennials Finally Take Coronavirus Seriously As Avocado Toast Supplies Run Out Read More »
Couldn’t have said it better myself. U.S.—Parents across the nation have expressed their worry, fear, and shock at having to raise their own children now that government schools have temporarily shut down. Those who send their children to public schools registered their displeasure at the government for not doing its main job of indoctrinating their
Parents Worried They’ll Have To Raise Their Own Children As Government Schools Shut Down Read More »
I have had it up to here [I am gesturing toward my scarf] with the federal government’s slow, inept response to the coronavirus outbreak. https://babylonbee.com/news/op-ed-the-feds-really-botched-their-coronavirus-response-so-we-should-give-them-more-power/
The world is silent about Global Warming. STOCKHOLM—Greta Thunberg has come out to condemn the coronavirus outbreak, saying the virus callously ended the world ten years before climate change even had the chance to. As Thunberg is known for her fiery speeches and doomsday predictions about climate change, she began to worry that the spread
Greta Thunberg Condemns Coronavirus For Causing Apocalypse 10 Years Early Read More »
BURLINGTON, VT—In a video message recorded from one of his many, many houses, Bernie Sanders has called on the workers of the world to unite and seize the means of toilet paper production. Sanders was under quarantine because he is old and susceptible to the virus. So he delivered the message remotely, but it was
Bernie: ‘We Must Seize The Means Of Toilet Paper Production’ Read More »
U.S.—The long national nightmare of every single day being dominated by news about Donald Trump has finally come to and end, as the top news story for the past week has been about a pandemic threatening lives and the economy. https://babylonbee.com/news/americans-sigh-in-relief-as-news-finally-not-all-about-trump/
Americans Rejoice As News Finally Not All About Trump Read More »
U.S.—CNN’s ratings have somehow tanked even worse than they previously had as Americans began to quarantine themselves and stopped taking commercial flights, emptying American airports and robbing the cable channel of its captive audience. https://babylonbee.com/news/cnns-ratings-collapse-to-zero-as-coronavirus-fears-empty-american-airports/
CNN’s Ratings Collapse As Coronavirus Fears Empty American Airports Read More »
U.S.—Parents across the nation have expressed their worry, fear, and shock at having to raise their own children now that government schools have temporarily shut down. Those who send their children to public schools registered their displeasure at the government for not doing its main job of indoctrinating their children, even temporarily. “Raise, educate, and
Parents Worried They’ll Have To Raise Their Own Children As Government Schools Shut Down Read More »
With the rise of the novel coronavirus, there has been an uptick in people saying racist things like suggesting the virus came from the region it did in fact come from. So we’re encouraging our readers to avoid problematic terms like “Wuhan virus,” “Chinese coronavirus,” “Kung Flu,” “Black Pepper Death,” “Chopsick,” “Srirachoo,” “Terracougha Army,” or
PSA: Stop Using Racist Terminology Read More »
Truth. U.S.—The media that has hyped literally everything as the end of the world is shocked that people aren’t taking them seriously when they are telling us how serious Coronavirus is. While Coronavirus looks as though it could actually be a real crisis, Americans’ response has generally been, “Meh!” or “Yeah, sure, OK, a world-ending
COLUMBUS, OH—A Joe Biden campaign stop that began with the former vice president speaking with all the grace and class he is usually known for ended in disaster after the presidential candidate accidentally smudged a note on his hand reading, “You are Joe Biden and you are running for president.” https://babylonbee.com/news/disaster-at-biden-rally-as-he-smudges-reminder-message-reading-you-are-joe-biden-and-you-are-running-for-president/
U.S.—Joe Biden is now cruising to victory, and many are crediting his triumph to the dynamic, powerful way in which he continues not to be Bernie Sanders. https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-exciting-the-democratic-base-with-his-not-being-bernie-sanders/
Biden Excites Democrats By Not Being Bernie Sanders Read More »
This is excellent satire! U.S.—Representative Ilhan Omar had endorsed Bernie Sanders for president, as they saw eye to eye on the best way to destroy the nation’s economy and liberties. https://babylonbee.com/news/omar-says-she-completely-understands-biden-confusing-his-wife-and-sister/
Ilhan Omar Endorses Joe Biden After He Confuses Wife With Sister Read More »
U.S.—The DNC has announced a controversial new debate format after pressure from both the Sanders and Biden campaigns in which the candidates will stand at podiums that are equipped with Life Alert buttons in case the debaters fall down and can’t get up. https://babylonbee.com/news/podiums-at-next-debate-to-be-equipped-with-life-alert-buttons/
Podiums At Next Debate To Be Equipped With Life Alert Buttons Read More »
More high-satire. U.S.—In a televised interview, Bernie Sanders has praised slave owners for their free housing program offered to all slaves working the plantations. “Of course, the slavery was bad, but the slaves were housed, for free I might add, for their entire employment,” Sanders said in an interview with 60 Minutes. “So it’s unfair
Bernie Sanders Praises Slave Owners For Free Housing Program Read More »