Satire

Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.

NYT’s In-Depth Investigation Of The Allegations Against Biden Reveals That He’s A Democrat

NEW YORK, NY—The New York Times has finally addressed the sexual assault allegations against presidential candidate Joe Biden. After an in-depth investigation, they’ve found that Biden is a Democrat. Furthermore, they found that he is the assumed candidate running against President Trump. With these two facts in mind, they’ve concluded there is no possible way […]

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Bernie Sanders Drops Out Of Race To Spend More Time With His Many, Many Houses

So many choices. So many millions. BURLINGTON, VT—In a move that will come as no surprise to anyone following his failing campaign, Democratic presidential primary candidate Bernie Sanders has dropped out, announcing he wants to spend time with his many, many houses. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-drops-out-of-race-to-spend-more-time-with-his-many-many-houses/

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Obama Still Holding His Endorsement To See If Someone Else, Anyone Else Going To Run For President

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden campaign is ecstatic that Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race, making Joe Biden the presumed nominee of the Democrat party. Campaign aides broke the news to Joe Biden during his nightly campaign meeting, where they traditionally sit down to remind Joe what his name is and that he’s running for

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Bernie Tests Negative For President

BURLINGTON, VT—From one of his many sprawling homes, Bernie Sanders announced today that he has tested negative for president.  Addressing concerned supporters, Sanders broke the news that medical professionals have informed him he is 100% negative for president. “The test results came back, and thankfully, they were negative,” Sanders said to his supporters. “There wasn’t

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Bernie Sanders Drops Out As Campaign Goals Of Locking Everyone Up, Destroying Economy Already Achieved

BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the presidential race since his campaign goals have already been achieved. These goals consisted mostly of locking everyone up in gulags and destroying the economy. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-drops-out-as-campaign-goals-of-locking-everyone-up-destroying-economy-already-achieved/

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Trump Unveils Much Simpler Stimulus Plan: GIANT MONEY CANNON!

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Republicans and Democrats in Congress bickered over a fiscal relief plan, President Donald Trump held a press conference to unveil a much simpler plan. “IT’S A GIANT MONEY CANNON!” Trump exclaimed with excitement as he pulled out a giant bazooka-looking device. Trump then explained how it works. “It’s a huge cannon that fires

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Toilet Paper Crisis Solved As Government Prints Trillions Of Fresh, Soft Dollar Bills

USA–As part of a sweeping initiative to help unclog the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus quarantine, the White House announced they are printing out fresh, crisp dollar bills for every US citizen. https://babylonbee.com/news/government-sends-out-1000-to-each-citizen-so-theyll-have-something-to-wipe-with-after-money-loses-all-value/

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China: ‘We’ve Completely Cured Coronavirus And Everything Is Fine Here And No One Is Allowed In To Check’

BEIJING—President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping made a surprise announcement to a few invited members of the press. “Everything is great here!” he said. “In fact… um… we’ve completely eradicated Coronavirus here — cured it even. Yep, cured it. We found a cure. But it… um… only works on the Chinese so

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Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.

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Democrats Demand Stimulus Bill Include Reparations For Transgender Native Americans Affected By Climate Change

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic lawmakers are blocking the stimulus bill proposed in Congress, slamming their Republican colleagues for refusing to include reparations for transgender Native Americans affected by climate change. https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-demand-stimulus-bill-include-reparations-for-transgender-native-americans-affected-by-climate-change/

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Congress Assures Nation They’re Working Tirelessly To Figure Out How To Take Advantage Of This Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresspeople from both sides of the aisle assured the nation Friday they’re going to try to take advantage of the current crisis in every possible way. https://babylonbee.com/news/government-leaders-assure-nation-theyre-working-tirelessly-to-expand-unconstitutional-powers-during-this-crisis/

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‘Joe Biden Is The Best Choice For Our Nation,’ Chants Tulsi Gabbard After DNC Completes Assimilation Process

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The DNC Collective has assimilated yet another species, the Borg King Joe Biden proudly announced Thursday morning. https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-is-the-best-choice-for-our-nation-says-tulsi-gabbard-as-dnc-completes-assimilation-process/

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