Note: Tom Hansen and anyone else who cannot tell the difference, these are satirical posts.
NEW YORK, NY—The New York Times has finally addressed the sexual assault allegations against presidential candidate Joe Biden. After an in-depth investigation, they’ve found that Biden is a Democrat. Furthermore, they found that he is the assumed candidate running against President Trump. With these two facts in mind, they’ve concluded there is no possible way […]
So many choices. So many millions. BURLINGTON, VT—In a move that will come as no surprise to anyone following his failing campaign, Democratic presidential primary candidate Bernie Sanders has dropped out, announcing he wants to spend time with his many, many houses. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-drops-out-of-race-to-spend-more-time-with-his-many-many-houses/
Bernie Sanders Drops Out Of Race To Spend More Time With His Many, Many Houses Read More »
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden campaign is ecstatic that Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race, making Joe Biden the presumed nominee of the Democrat party. Campaign aides broke the news to Joe Biden during his nightly campaign meeting, where they traditionally sit down to remind Joe what his name is and that he’s running for
BURLINGTON, VT—From one of his many sprawling homes, Bernie Sanders announced today that he has tested negative for president. Addressing concerned supporters, Sanders broke the news that medical professionals have informed him he is 100% negative for president. “The test results came back, and thankfully, they were negative,” Sanders said to his supporters. “There wasn’t
Bernie Tests Negative For President Read More »
BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the presidential race since his campaign goals have already been achieved. These goals consisted mostly of locking everyone up in gulags and destroying the economy. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-drops-out-as-campaign-goals-of-locking-everyone-up-destroying-economy-already-achieved/
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Republicans and Democrats in Congress bickered over a fiscal relief plan, President Donald Trump held a press conference to unveil a much simpler plan. “IT’S A GIANT MONEY CANNON!” Trump exclaimed with excitement as he pulled out a giant bazooka-looking device. Trump then explained how it works. “It’s a huge cannon that fires
Trump Unveils Much Simpler Stimulus Plan: GIANT MONEY CANNON! Read More »
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—San Francisco Mayor London Breed has asked all the homeless residents of her city to please poop at home as coronavirus spreads throughout the nation. https://babylonbee.com/news/san-francisco-urges-homeless-residents-to-poop-from-home/
San Francisco Asks Homeless Residents To Poop At Home Read More »
U.S.—Vowing to uphold the organization’s commitment to kill babies “no matter what,” Planned Parenthood announced they’ll be offering drive-thru abortions throughout the nationwide lockdown. https://babylonbee.com/news/planned-parenthood-offering-drive-thru-abortions-during-lockdown/
Planned Parenthood To Offer Drive-Thru Abortions During Lockdown Read More »
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. https://babylonbee.com/news/government-accidentally-shuts-itself-down-with-ban-on-non-essential-businesses/
Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses Read More »
ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to help curb the spread of Coronavirus, Chick-fil-a has announced that it will temporarily be changing its advertising slogan from “Eat Mor Chikin” to “Eat Fewer Bats.” https://babylonbee.com/news/chick-fil-a-temporarily-changes-slogan-to-eat-fewer-bats/
Chick-Fil-A Temporarily Changes Slogan To ‘Eat Fewer Bats’ Read More »
WASHINGTON, DC—Members of Congress told reporters Friday they can’t wait to read through the massive economic stimulus package they passed earlier today in response to the Coronavirus crisis. https://babylonbee.com/news/congress-excited-to-learn-whats-in-stimulus-package-they-just-passed/
Congress Excited To Find Out What’s In Stimulus Package They Just Passed Read More »
USA–As part of a sweeping initiative to help unclog the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus quarantine, the White House announced they are printing out fresh, crisp dollar bills for every US citizen. https://babylonbee.com/news/government-sends-out-1000-to-each-citizen-so-theyll-have-something-to-wipe-with-after-money-loses-all-value/
Toilet Paper Crisis Solved As Government Prints Trillions Of Fresh, Soft Dollar Bills Read More »
BEIJING—President of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping made a surprise announcement to a few invited members of the press. “Everything is great here!” he said. “In fact… um… we’ve completely eradicated Coronavirus here — cured it even. Yep, cured it. We found a cure. But it… um… only works on the Chinese so
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time. But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.
Government Accidentally Shuts Itself Down With Ban On Non-Essential Businesses Read More »
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democratic lawmakers are blocking the stimulus bill proposed in Congress, slamming their Republican colleagues for refusing to include reparations for transgender Native Americans affected by climate change. https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-demand-stimulus-bill-include-reparations-for-transgender-native-americans-affected-by-climate-change/
U.S.—In a tragic turn of events, America has announced that it has tested positive for socialism. Many began to suspect America had become infected when the government announced totalitarian lockdowns and a plan to print free money for everyone, and the test results confirmed the worst: most of America is pretty OK with socialism. Healthy
Breaking: America Tests Positive For Socialism Read More »
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congresspeople from both sides of the aisle assured the nation Friday they’re going to try to take advantage of the current crisis in every possible way. https://babylonbee.com/news/government-leaders-assure-nation-theyre-working-tirelessly-to-expand-unconstitutional-powers-during-this-crisis/
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The DNC Collective has assimilated yet another species, the Borg King Joe Biden proudly announced Thursday morning. https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-is-the-best-choice-for-our-nation-says-tulsi-gabbard-as-dnc-completes-assimilation-process/
U.S.—The nation has issued repeated, passionate apologies to stay-at-home parents for taking them for granted for so many years after just a few days in quarantine with their kids and the day to day problems of the household. https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-apologizes-for-taking-stay-at-home-parents-for-granted/
Nation Apologizes For Taking Stay-At-Home Parents For Granted Read More »
