Satire

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency bill rushed to the House floor and passed Wednesday, House Democrats voted to send more fake tears to address the crisis on the southern border. https://babylonbee.com/news/in-emergency-bill-house-dems-vote-to-send-millions-more-fake-tears-to-the-southern-border/

KENTON, MA—Local baker Harold Mackerelli has updated his menu to sell only cakes that beg customers not to sue the crud out of him and his family. On the shop counter there is a binder of options presenting a wide variety of new cakes such as the “Please, I have a family” strawberry cake and

NEW YORK, NY—On a talk show Monday evening, Joe Biden promised his followers he would eradicate all disease, pain, suffering, and that he would even vanquish death itself. https://babylonbee.com/news/joe-biden-promises-followers-eternal-life/

U.S.—The 347 Democratic presidential candidates currently running announced Monday their new plan to attract voters to their platforms: simply to dangle stacks of cash over their heads on a fishing line. https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-announce-plan-to-simply-dangle-bags-of-cash-in-front-of-potential-voters/

Is this even satire any more?  WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders announced he would pay off all $1.6 trillion in student debt if elected president “so that we can stay true to our liberal values of not taking personal responsibility for anything.” “What kind of nation do we want to be?” he asked a crowd gathered around

Is this even satire?  SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The mayor of San Francisco, London Breed, proudly announced Monday that she has instructed city sanitation workers to install a giant toilet handle in order to flush the city of feces and urine periodically. Rather than trying to keep up with the rapid accumulation of human waste in city

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a special session called to order Friday, Congress voted unanimously to do a complete overhaul of Father’s Day, renaming the holiday “Toxic Masculinity Awareness Day” and redefining the day’s meaning to encourage citizens to heap shame and disgust on all fathers, current or potential. Americans across the country excitedly prepared to celebrate the

U.S.—While everyone has a mother–a necessity in every family for raising and providing for the children–there is a second type of parent some people have called a “father.” It is unknown what purpose this seemingly vestigial parent provides, but today is a holiday known as Father’s Day, where the existence of fathers is acknowledged even

Cuts both ways.  U.S.—After top U.S. officials claimed Iran attacked ships in the Gulf of Oman this week, John Bolton held a press conference where he asked when the government has ever lied about something like this just to start a war. https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-confident-government-would-never-lie-about-attacks-on-ships-in-a-gulf/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Shortly after Joe Biden promised to cure cancer if he is elected president, presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren attempted to one-up her opponent, promising to cure smallpox as one of her first actions upon taking office.

Now that’s funny!  RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA—A self-checkout machine at a local Walmart store was selected to be honored as the employee of the month for the fifty-second month in a row, sources confirmed Thursday. https://babylonbee.com/news/walmart-self-checkout-machine-wins-employee-of-the-month-award-again/

RAQQA, SYRIA—A Navy SEAL Team recently expressed regret in showing support for Pride Month after their new uniforms gave away their position in a covert operation to infiltrate an ISIS stronghold. Seal Captain James McKeever says they endured heavy gunfire after the little rainbow flags poking up off of their shoulder area drew the enemy’s attention.

Just like every other month… U.S.—Chick-Fil-A restaurants are celebrating the LGBT pride movement all month long by serving delicious chicken sandwiches to everyone without discriminating. https://babylonbee.com/news/chick-fil-a-celebrates-pride-month-by-serving-delicious-chicken-sandwiches-to-everyone-as-usual/

Those kids need to be woke!  U.S.—The Federal Government is rolling out a new school program that will help to raise awareness in kids about what they need to be so upset about. The new program, “W.O.K.E.” (Woke and Offended Kids Education) will help to bridge the gap widening between millennial parents’ desire to be offended

All are equal. Some are just more equal… WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking to reporters after coming out in support of pay raises for herself and her fellow congresspeople, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said she believes everyone’s pay should be equal, but that her and her fellow congresspeople’s pay should be “more equal” than everybody else’s. https://babylonbee.com/news/ocasio-cortez-everyones-pay-should-be-equal-but-congress-pay-should-be-more-equal-than-others/

SAN BRUNO, CA—Continuing their ongoing efforts to rid their platform of hate speech, content managers at YouTube have decided to remove all videos featuring or referencing “The Soup Nazi,” a character from the ’90s sitcom Seinfeld. “The Soup Nazi” was introduced in an episode by the same name during the show’s seventh season on NBC.

It only takes one glance… PORTLAND, OR—Young mother Olivia McKinley declared her three-year-old son Kale to be transgendered after he took a brief walk through the Barbie aisle while in the toy section at Target on Monday. She could be heard shrieking, “My son is trans! I accept you, my beautiful, brave trans girl. I do not judge

https://babylonbee.com/news/does-a-politicians-moral-character-matter-a-handy-flowchart/

If we’re wanting to be socialist, then everyone earns the same, right?  HARTFORD, CT—At a rally over the weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders promised to fight for a nation where no one can earn over $15 an hour. “We live in a land where people can slave away and earn a lot of money,” he

Progressives won’t get it.  BERLIN—In the basement of an old building near Berlin, Holocaust researchers discovered something incredible: a perfectly preserved Nazi propaganda video. https://babylonbee.com/news/newly-unearthed-propaganda-video-from-nazi-germany-shows-woman-calling-holocaust-acceptable-violence/