Satire

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—A new app called HateFynd promises to help you find someone to commit a fake hate crime against you. https://babylonbee.com/news/new-app-helps-you-find-someone-to-commit-a-hate-crime-against-you/

Truth.  U.S.—A new study suggests that avoiding red meat may lead to a longer, more miserable life. https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds-avoiding-red-meat-may-lead-to-longer-more-miserable-life/

KENT, OH—While speaking at Kent State University, Beto O’Rourke—who is allegedly running for president—cited Nazi firing squads as grounds for taking guns away from private citizens. https://babylonbee.com/news/beto-cites-nazi-firing-squads-as-reason-for-private-gun-ban/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a Trump campaign fundraising supper Thursday night, the mood was somber. Trump had just informed everybody that he would soon be impeached but would be reinstated three days later. https://babylonbee.com/news/evangelical-leaders-ask-trump-which-one-of-them-will-betray-him-during-impeachment-proceedings/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Everyone in the nation has been enjoying themselves for the past three years—everyone, that is, except anti-fun Democrats, who are now seeking to end the most fun presidency of all time, sources confirmed this week. https://babylonbee.com/news/anti-fun-democrats-seek-to-end-most-fun-presidency-of-all-time/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At the same press conference where she announced plans to begin formal impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi also announced Democrats’ intent as soon as possible to get involved in a land war in Asia. https://babylonbee.com/news/in-addition-to-impeachment-congressional-democrats-announce-their-plans-to-get-involved-in-a-land-war-in-asia/

U.S.—In the latest bombshell allegations that will definitely end the Trump presidency and expunge him from all existence, several media outlets are reporting that Trump is actually a wolf coming to devour the village and “this time we mean it.” https://babylonbee.com/news/press-reports-that-trump-is-actually-a-wolf-coming-to-devour-the-village-and-this-time-they-mean-it/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nancy Pelosi is reportedly starting impeachment proceedings against President Trump. It’s not clear why but at least it will be fun for all involved, which is good because the news cycle has been a little slow over the summer. We all need a good public spectacle once in a while. https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-if-you-impeach-me-now-i-shall-become-more-powerful-than-you-can-possibly-imagine/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders has unveiled his new wealth tax plan, a sweeping proposal that will heavily tax people who make too much money. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sander-unveils-new-wealth-tax-plan/

Boom, baby.  OSLO, NORWAY—The Norwegian Nobel Committee was reportedly considering President Trump as a recipient of its prestigious Nobel Peace Prize, as the president had submitted his name for consideration to them over 67 times. But after reviewing his credentials, the committee concluded that he had not launched enough drone strikes against foreigners to qualify.

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel announced an exciting new line of gender-neutral dolls recently, causing progressives to praise the company and conservatives to foam at the mouth and demand a safe space. https://babylonbee.com/news/new-genderfluid-dolls-emit-blast-of-pepper-spray-when-children-use-wrong-pronoun/

GRASS VALLEY, CA—In response to a record of nearly 10 deaths that could possibly relate to the use of e-cigarettes and vaping, lawmakers in multiple states have begun introducing legislation to curb what has clearly become an epidemic.  https://babylonbee.com/news/man-sure-is-glad-he-switched-from-e-cigs-to-regular-healthier-cigarettes/

Sure, why not.  PORTLAND, OR—It began like any other day for the Leroux family. Greg and Cindy were getting ready for work—he a CSR for a paperclip manufacturer, she a street henna tattoo artist—when their boy Hayden came downstairs to eat his morning breakfast of Kashi’s new redwood-flavored cereal, made with bits of real redwood

WORLD—Liberals seem to have a problem as more Justin Trudeau blackface photos have surfaced. Meanwhile, Democratic politicians in America continue to say anti-semitic things. In their defense, liberals have come out to clarify that their racism isn’t the destructive kind condemned by most of humanity, but rather, it’s a new improved form called “democratic racism.” “It’s not

More satire that isn’t.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—The government wants you to take climate change seriously, like really bad. So bad in fact, that they showed how very serious they are about the “climate crisis” by inviting a foreign high school kid as their star climate witness. https://babylonbee.com/news/the-government-wants-you-to-take-climate-change-seriously-so-they-invited-a-foreign-high-school-kid-to-testify-before-congress/

This really isn’t satire. There are no consequences for a progressive who does blackface. That rule only applies to conservatives. RICHMOND, VA—As Justin Trudeau found himself embroiled in a scandal over painting his face dark for ethnic costumes in the past, he began to despair. “How will I ever overcome this, eh?” he said, shaking

Pretty much the level of intellectual discussion over global warming.  WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a panel on climate change held yesterday, the Senate brought in a group of excited third graders for ideas on fighting climate change. https://babylonbee.com/news/group-of-third-graders-to-dictate-nations-climate-change-policy/

U.S.—After California added Iowa to its growing list of states to which the government will not fund trips, all the other states began clamoring to get added to this ban list. https://babylonbee.com/news/all-the-other-states-clamoring-to-get-added-to-californias-travel-ban/