Satire

Too good not to repost.  U.S.—In honor of Thanksgiving week, the nation’s progressives have begun to give thanks that they have so much to be angry and offended about this year. “Thank you, unspecified deity who may or may not exist, for giving us so much stuff to be outraged about,” said Staci Walder, 42, […]

Truth. I’m not a fan of the party that wants to take us over the cliff at 100mph nor the party that conservatively wants to do it at 55mph.  FORT WORTH, TX—Local conservative man Patrick Porkers thrashed liberals Tuesday for supporting policies that he himself will support in just five years. https://babylonbee.com/news/conservative-slams-liberals-for-supporting-policies-hell-support-five-years-from-now/

You would think so, given the way progressives redefine terms.  #MyPlantation #MyChoice A lot of talk has been going around suggesting that slavery is morally wrong, that it’s a horrifying human rights violation that future generations will be greatly ashamed of.  The problem is that critics of safe, legal, and rare slavery aren’t looking at

Pretty much.  U.S.—The nation’s millennials are in a panic as baby boomers, feeling insulted by such things as the “OK Boomer” meme, have now threatened to withhold participation trophies. https://babylonbee.com/news/millennials-in-panic-as-outraged-boomers-threaten-to-withhold-participation-trophies/

Enemy of the People? Satan?  U.S.—As the media continues to gaslight the American people, cover for pedophiles, and retract information when it damages their political allies, the nation is increasingly wishing there were some sort of phrase to describe the kind of behavior befitting of an adversary of the populace. “If only there were a

Maybe she learned Common Core math?  U.S.—During an appearance on All In with Chris Hayes on MSNBC earlier this week, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez condemned the rise of division in our country “when addition and subtraction are hard enough.” https://babylonbee.com/news/aoc-says-there-is-too-much-division-in-our-country-when-addition-and-subtraction-are-hard-enough/

ATLANTA, GA—In this week’s Democratic debate, a wide gap emerged between the candidates as they laid out their competing visions to cripple the country’s economy. https://babylonbee.com/news/democratic-candidates-clash-over-conflicting-plans-to-destroy-economy/

U.S.—New documents have revealed the greatest presidential scandal in the history of our nation — maybe even the world. The documents, obtained from a whistleblower, show that the White House was behind a series of murders of state and local officials and certain businessmen, all as part of a scheme to cover up bribes received

Since it’s all political theater anyways.  #firefly WASHINGTON, D.C.—The exciting new TV show Impeachment Inquiry was poised to take the ratings by storm, promising to eclipse all the other shows in its time slot. But the show will be canceled after one season, like a lot of bad TV shows and also Firefly. https://babylonbee.com/news/impeachment-inquiry-canceled-after-5-episodes-due-to-low-ratings/

😂 WASHINGTON, D.C.—Bernie Sanders has promised that Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will play a key role in his White House if he’s elected, saying he will put her in charge of math. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-promises-to-put-aoc-in-charge-of-math-if-elected/

Those eyes! 😂 U.S.—A new poll released Wednesday revealed that the majority of the nation want impeachment hearings to continue as long as possible so that Congress will be too busy to meddle with our lives. https://babylonbee.com/news/poll-majority-want-impeachment-hearings-to-continue-as-long-as-possible/

This should remind you of the Berlin Wall, which was built by communists to keep their people from fleeing to the capitalist West.  SACRAMENTO, CA—California’s state government has announced it will agree to build a wall as President Trump has been pushing for, except this wall will keep people in, not out. California Builds Wall

This is great, since the Democrats are picking on billionaires, while their candidates are millionaires.  As I’ve always said: the wealthy are those who have more than you do.  NEW YORK, NY—Successful businessman Kelvin Wood was alarmed when he checked his bank account. His net worth was now $999,999,999, putting him dangerously close to having

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former President Barack Obama on Friday offered a firm warning to the 2020 Democratic primary field. Worried the candidates may be openly pushing the party too far to the left, he urged them to remember the age-old secret of getting elected as a Democrat. https://babylonbee.com/news/obama-reminds-democratic-nominees-to-hide-all-the-far-left-stuff-until-theyre-in-the-white-house/

MOSCOW—Brutal totalitarian dictator Joseph Stalin has warned Democrats that they may be going “too far left.” “The Dems are kinda scaring me with all this far-left stuff,” Stalin said during a brief visit from his father’s house below. “Yes, I was one of history’s most deranged mass murderers, killing, like, 20 million people, but even

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Acme Forks & Knives was trying to block a lawsuit brought against them by the obese community. The lawsuit suggested that the company’s utensils were deadly tools that caused people to become overweight. https://babylonbee.com/news/supreme-court-allows-obese-people-to-sue-utensil-manufacturer/

UK—In an interview with the BBC, Hillary Clinton said she is being urged to run for president in 2020 by “many, many, many” voices in her head. https://babylonbee.com/news/hillary-clinton-says-she-is-being-urged-to-run-by-many-voices-in-her-head/

Namely “Call Me by Your Name”.  NEW YORK, NY—The National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has announced a new category for its 2020 awards show: “Best Covering for a Pedophile.” https://babylonbee.com/news/new-emmy-category-best-covering-for-a-pedophile/