Satire

LONDON—British progressives were already down from their huge losses in Thursday’s election, as they lost pretty much every contest to the Conservatives, from Dublingtonampton and Worcestershiresauce to Hogwarts and the Shire. https://babylonbee.com/news/britons-horrified-as-boris-johnson-removes-mask-revealing-self-to-be-donald-trump/

U.S.—Comic book character Superman has increasingly come under fire lately, many seeing the character as extremely outdated — especially the bizarre depiction of his being a journalist who is heroic. https://babylonbee.com/news/superman-criticized-as-unrealistic-for-portraying-a-journalist-as-heroic/

NEW YORK, NY—At a special ceremony Thursday, Planned Parenthood posthumously awarded Herod the Great with its highest honor, the organization’s coveted PPFA Margaret Sanger Award. https://babylonbee.com/news/planned-parenthood-honors-king-herod-with-lifetime-achievement-award/

Nation Surprised To Learn Time Magazine Still In Print

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Meatless meat was once scoffed at by the public, ridiculed for its flavorlessness and complete lack of similarity to actual meat. But now there is a new product on the market from the innovators at High Horse Inc., a plant-based meat manufacturer with a new meat alternative that tastes exactly like real meat

U.S.—Democrats unveiled their articles of impeachment against President Trump, but one of the charges seems to have backfired. The suggestion that Trump obstructed Congress turned out to be a far more popular idea than Democrats had predicted. https://babylonbee.com/news/trumps-popularity-rises-after-revelation-he-obstructed-congress/

  WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Nancy Pelosi held a press conference along with other House Democrats to announce that they would be introducing articles of impeachment against President Trump, Pelosi reportedly blinked out a cry for help in morse code. https://babylonbee.com/news/nancy-pelosi-blinks-out-message-in-morse-code-that-shes-being-held-hostage-by-the-squad-and-to-please-send-help/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—House Democrats today announced a new plan to ensure Trump wins the White House again in 2020. https://babylonbee.com/news/house-dems-announce-trump-will-win-2020-election/

CLAREMONT, CA—A nativity scene has been gaining much publicity in the media for its depiction of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph getting detained in cages at the border. But media coverage quickly ended when it was revealed that the Holy Family was actually detained under the Obama administration. One investigative journalist looked around the cages and

U.S.—After Kamala Harris dropped out of the presidential race last week, Democrats were left with a shockingly white field of remaining candidates. https://babylonbee.com/news/elizabeth-warren-most-diverse-candidate-remaining/

That is one advantage of living in a post-Christian country.  U.S.—A new study is worrying pastors and other evangelical leaders, as it suggests that fewer and fewer people are pretending to be Christians than ever before. https://babylonbee.com/news/study-finds-fewer-people-pretending-to-be-christian/

WORLD—Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg is a stunning inspiration to us all. From the moment she bravely took the stage at the U.N. Climate Action Summit to angrily scold everyone for living such extravagant lifestyles, to her stunning and brave photo shoots in her luxurious home and yacht, the world has seen her as a

HOLLYWOOD, CA—During a recent interview with Out And Proud Magazine, Rise of Skywalker director J.J. Abrams hinted that the hotly-anticipated 9th installment of the Star Wars saga would include more clear LGBTQ representation, in the form of a lesbian AT-AT. https://babylonbee.com/news/rise-of-skywalker-to-introduce-first-lesbian-at-at/

This doesn’t seem like satire.  U.S.—Chinese missionaries arrived on the shores of California today to bring the gospel to the “most unreached country in the world,” America. https://babylonbee.com/news/chinese-churches-send-missionaries-to-bring-gospel-to-unreached-america/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Bernie Sanders tweeted that women have the right to a government-funded abortion at any time, his legal experts informed him that the Constitution actually doesn’t say anything close to that. https://babylonbee.com/news/bernie-sanders-hastily-scribbles-also-women-have-the-right-to-an-abortion-at-any-time-onto-copy-of-the-constitution/

MONTOGOMERY, AL—The Southern Poverty Law Center has added the denial of Die Hard being a Christmas movie to its list of noted hate-filled ideologies such as neo-nazism, white nationalism, and holocaust denial. https://babylonbee.com/news/splc-adds-die-hard-christmas-movie-denial-to-list-of-extremist-hate-ideologies/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Pelosi lashed out at a reporter who asked her if she hated President Trump today, invoking her Catholic religion as a basis for her obvious total lack of hate for anyone. https://babylonbee.com/news/pelosi-clarifies-shes-not-one-of-those-anti-baby-murder-catholics/

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After Lisa Page finally spoke out against President Trump, masterfully painting herself as the target of Trump’s oppression and misogyny, Harvard University quickly hired the former FBI lawyer to teach an upper-level course on how to turn yourself into the victim in any situation. https://babylonbee.com/news/harvard-hires-lisa-page/