Satire

It was predicted.  UNITED KINGDOM—As Brexit was finalized today, millions of Britons instantly dropped dead. “Upon returning to the dystopian nightmare of self-determination and not being ruled by an elite group of unelected bureaucrats, millions died on the spot,” said an NHS spokesperson. According to official reports, millions gathered to scream at the sky but […]

This could be worrying: the Bernie Sanders campaign has enlisted thousands of volunteers to text people and ask if they’re voting for Bernie. This is a common tactic among campaigns with strong grassroots support. https://babylonbee.com/news/uh-oh-bernie-campaign-sends-texts-informing-people-theyve-been-selected-for-the-gulags/

ATLANTA, GA—Everyone was really happy that the Allied forces stopped Hitler. Everyone, that is, except CNN, who published a retrospective on the war this week, zeroing in on the real issue of Operation Overlord: no gay female trans POCs in any of the units. https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-criticizes-d-day-soldiers-for-lack-of-diversity/

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world’s best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren’t quite as good. The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12

ATLANTA, GA—Many people think of Don Lemon and his fellow CNN hosts as elite, out-of-touch snobs. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. Take, for instance, Don Lemon’s compassionate act of generosity to the Trump campaign. He just filmed a commercial for Trump’s reelection, entirely free of charge. CNN said they are trying to

ISRAEL—Scholars studying ancient texts from the first century now believe Jesus actually spent time with prostitutes and tax collectors just to avoid hanging out with despicable journalists. Up until now, Christians have always thought that Jesus hung out with everyone, even those in the dregs of society. But even the loving, compassionate Savior had standards

ATLANTA, GA—Churchgoer Jack Wilson shot and killed a mass shooter at West Freeway Church of Christ, preventing what could have been a much worse shooting. But CNN reported on the event with the headline and caption “Trump voter shot a mentally ill man in a Texas church,” causing some to question whether CNN might be a

WASHINGTON, D.C—Hillary Clinton has slammed President Trump on Twitter for not taking a more “hands-off” approach to the protests in Iraq that threatened American lives at the embassy there. After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such “rash, uncalled-for” action when he could have

U.S.—The nation’s media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting. https://babylonbee.com/news/media-disappointed-to-learn-armed-citizen-stopped-mass-shooting/

U.S.—With campaign contributions down 30% in the last quarter, you might think it’s time for Elizabeth Warren to throw in the tomahawk. But not this brave Native American warrior! https://babylonbee.com/news/elizabeth-warren-opens-casino-to-help-finance-campaign/

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—The dogs of San Francisco have announced a citywide cleanup initiative, in which the canines will carry little plastic bags with them wherever they go in order to clean up the massive dumps humans keep leaving on the sidewalk. https://babylonbee.com/news/san-franciscos-dogs-begin-bagging-people-poop/

SINGAPORE—Disney reps have confirmed that the Rise of Skywalker edit released for the Singapore market has the first lesbian characters in Star Wars history tossed into the Great Pit of Carkoon on Tatooine for their crimes. https://babylonbee.com/news/singapore-rise-of-skywalker-edit-has-lesbian-characters-hurled-into-sarlacc-pit/

PORTLAND, OR—A hip new coffee shop has opened up in Portland’s Pearl District. Unikorn Coffee is looking to fill five part-time barista positions by next Thursday. There’s a catch, though — you must fail a drug test to be considered for the job. In what has been seen as a slap in the face to

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Concerned about their chances of successfully removing Trump from office via impeachment, Democrat leaders gathered in Washington to consult a Magic 8-ball. But Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got too excited and shook it too hard, shattering the glass and rendering it useless. https://babylonbee.com/news/dr-strange-previews-14000605-futures-but-doesnt-find-any-where-trump-gets-removed-from-office/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The two articles of impeachment leveled against President Trump were originally announced to be abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. https://babylonbee.com/news/articles-of-impeachment-updated-to-read-orange-man-bad/

PORTLAND, OR—In a heartwarming moment of self-reflection, local antifa protester Sparky Moonshine suddenly realized the true fascist was inside him all along. https://babylonbee.com/news/heartwarming-antifa-member-suddenly-realizes-the-true-fascist-was-inside-him-all-along/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a breaking and historic vote just moments ago, the House of Representatives voted to make Mike Pence the next president of the United States. https://babylonbee.com/news/house-approves-measure-to-make-mike-pence-president/

SINGAPORE—Barack Obama has come under fire from the left after saying women are better leaders than men. Those taking issue with Obama’s remarks have pointed out that Obama’s bigoted statement suggests there are only two genders and that there are biological differences between the two. https://babylonbee.com/news/obama-under-fire-for-suggesting-there-are-only-two-genders/

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats stateside were watching closely as UK election results came in Thursday. They wanted to see how the Labour Party did so they could learn from any mistakes they made. https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-vow-not-to-repeat-labour-partys-mistake-of-not-going-far-enough-left/